May 27, 2010

In my prayers this morning i had an over whelming feeling to share that day from my point of view with everyone and share the Lords hand in it.
From the beginning: That Wednesday night Stephen had come over to my house and made me dinner. He loved to spoil me. We sat on the couch and watched NCIS until almost 1 in the morning when he suddenly decided to go home. He would often stay the night on my couch when he had the following day off, so i still don't like that i let him go home that night but i cannot change it. Before leaving he stood in my door way and held me and told me he was happy to be marrying the most beautiful woman in the world. I laughed and told him he was crazy, pulled his red hat down over his eyes and kissed him (a moment i will always cherish). He left.
He got home and called me to let me know he was home safe. We had a disagreement because he wanted to be spontaneous and go to the beach that day, and i told him no we needed to go to his doctors appointment. He finally gave in and agreed, he told me he would go to the gym in the morning and call me when he was home again. I then went to sleep.
I woke up around 9am on May 27 with a headache. I checked my phone and had no missed calls or messages so i went ahead and took some medicine and laid down again. I woke up at 12:06pm with a feeling of Stephen holding me and slowly shaking me awake. I remember waking up thinking that was weird and getting scared because something felt off. I called his phone with no answer. I figured he had gotten a late start to the gym, so i went to eat some food and watch a little TV to wait for his call. i remember the entire time having a weird feeling that something was just off and i couldn't put my finger on it. Finally around 330 i got up the nerve to call his house, i never like calling his house. I apologize to this day because by doing so his step-mom found him. At this point i still did not know what had happened, i froze! i called my mom at work and told her something was wrong, and she left right away to get my dad and come home. I went to my car to drive over to Stephens, but couldn't stop shaking to put the key in the ignition. It was the longest hour alone of my life!!! i called Marc hoping Bonnie and him were home. Being the amazing friend that he is, he tried to calm me down and be logical. He had been driving on Alessandro and immediately turned to go to Stephens home. I could not get up the courage to call Stephens house again. Finally around 445pm my parents came home and i knew. Marc then arrived at my house and confirmed that my love was gone forever. I sat on my porch forever cause i could not go inside and look at the couch where we had just sat the night before.
Pastor Sammy and Ivette arrived soon after and nobody knew what to say. they just held me and let me scream and cry and i actually kicked my dad. I remembered a voice in my head (GOD!) telling me i needed prayer so i texted (sorry) Misty and Shasta, i couldn't say what had happened, i just said Stephen passed away. Of coarse they called as soon as they could. Its hard to remember who i talked to that day and who i rejected (sorry if you're the later) from then on its a blur. i know Pastor John and Robin came over. i know we put sandlot on to have some background noise. and i know Marc and Bonnie did not leave my side.
NOW FOR GODS HAND IN IT :D
1. I had gotten into the habit of not sleeping past 9am, i didn't want to waste my days. I now see it as God gave me that headache and had me sleep longer because i would not sleep for days after that.
2. I never eat when i wake up, it usually makes me nauseous. Again the Lord knew i wouldn't eat for days so He made sure i ate something before.
3. I would often just drive over to Stephens house when he was off, he never did anything without me. I didn't, and am i so glad I did not find him.
4. Mt parents being county workers had that following Monday off, and my mom being on furlows had Friday off. I did not have to be alone for a long while.
5. Marc and Bonnie were driving on Alessandro.... one main street away from Stephens house!
6. I physically couldnt drive over there after calling.

I am sure there are many more ways God had his hand in it but i am so grateful for those! My God is great, and i thank Him daily for just one more day of strength from Him. God Bless and thank you for everyone who has been there for me!

October 2009

After Stephen and I became official he made it completely clear that just because we were a couple it did not mean that he had to see me every day. This makes me laugh now because it only lasted about 2 weeks, and then if he didn't see me everyday he thought something was wrong. Well anyways for about 2 weeks I saw him at work and maybe every other day after work we would have dinner.

Stephen insisted we keep our relationship a secret, he did not want anyone at work to know. If you work at Quaid or are a Quaid please correct me if I'm wrong but it was never a secret!!! We went into work each day with HUGE smile on our faces and our plans constantly sounded the same. I remember Matt asking us both what our plans for the night were and we both answered too fast and just said hanging out with friends; i believe Matt figured it out at that point. We all laughed about it after the fact, but when i was trying to keep the secret i was so frustrated cause i just wanted to scream it from the roof tops!!! To set things straight Brandon and Elaine were the first to be officially told, then at some point he told Jose and we all know the secret was then blown!

Octobers open house at the shop i believe was the worst open house for Stephen and i ever!!! We had stayed up all night the night before and it was busy and we were cranky! oh man oh man! i thought we were going to kill each other that day, but we didn't! And after work he went home and slept for 12 hours and i went to the BI with my brother. That was the biggest obstacle for us to get past at first; Stephen had to have at least 8 hours of sleep or he could not function! and i would be fine on 3 or 4 hours of sleep. He would get mad cause i would go home and stay up for hours on end be fine.

The weekend of October 24 my amazing friend Bonnie and I had planned to take a trip up to Yosemite to see her now husband and my best friend Marc. Stephen and I had only been together for a few weeks and i was taking a 3 day trip, 6 hours away, to see another guy... He was amazing about it. I had offered over and over not to go but he insisted. So i went, and spent the entire time (that i had signal) on my cell phone texting Stephen. If i remember right Bonnie and Marc got soooo unbelievably frustrated with me because i wouldn't get off my phone! (sound about right?) BUT in my defense they did not know Stephen and i were officially a couple! Stephen was so sweet, while in Yosemite i did not have much signal so rather than waiting for me to reply to his messages he just kept sending texts telling me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me again! I could not wait to go to work that Tuesday!!! :D

OK so somewhere in this time everybody at the shop found out. And of coarse Stephen being who he is, he left it up to me to tell Glenn... his uncle! Everybody supported our relationship and just loved seeing us both soooo happy. So i believe October 30 (i could be wrong) was the night that i met Steph officially. I was so nervous going down to Killarnys! (Steph, he hyped you up so much!!! If you didn't approve, I swear he would have left me that night!) It ended up being an interesting night... my ears heard things i think i could have lived without. lol.

Now Halloween i know is the correct date that i met Jen and Darin. I had opted to work 10-7 at the shop that night and Kelly and I were just sitting there talking waiting to get off. Brandon walks up and acts like he is going to hit me (normal) and asks what we are talking about... my response was "oh just how good a kisser your brother is" I don't think i have ever seen B walk away so fast! hahaha Stephen laughed so hard when i told him that. After I got off work i went straight to Stephens house and was complaining cause i was so tired and didn't want to go to a party! He looked at me and said we had to go cause i had to meet these friends. Ended up being a fun night; we had a she devil, tweedle dee & tweedle dum, a ratard (Nick played the part perfectly!) we played ping pong and ended up at Denny's staring at the fans lol that is also the night that we took our first picture together, i felt bad for the poor dog! The other picture i snuck of him at the shop :) he was laughing at Sherri and I captured the smile!

October 13, 2009

The time between the end of September and October 13 seemed to last forever! Stephen and I were constantly arguing about whether or not we should be together! He kept telling me that his longest relationship was 9 months and he didn't want to hurt me, and he felt he would in the end. He has always told me he thought I deserve better; I never wanted anything more than him. I kept telling him he was worth the risk, and I just wanted a chance!
I even went as far as talking to Brandon and asking him what i should do; give up or keep trying. His advice was "These things work themselves out".... what kind of advice is that? lol Turned out to be good advice since he went and talked to Stephen and encouraged him not to worry about dating someone from work! Thanks B!
Finally October 10 while we were at work i got Stephen to agree to go to church with me. :D He was suppose to go to Sandals with me, and then go to lunch after. Well he showed up for church, but then ditched me to go watch football with Steph at Wingstop! Even tho he ditched me he spent the day texting me lol (sounds about right, right?) Well i made him feel bad enough that he agreed to hangout on our day off.
He called me Monday morning and asked what i wanted to do. Me just wanting to spend time with him, said "I don't care." So he offered to come over to my house, and i was quick to say no! Anyone who has been to my house understands why id say no when trying to impress a guy. lol He then invited me over... EEKK! The bosses house?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! lol Well finally i gave in and went over to watch football. I knew nothing about football, i still don't! I was the girl asking how the yellow moves so fast... He thought that was hilarious and preceded to tell Gordon and Jamie so that they could laugh at me also.
After Monday night football was over Stephen was hungry, and invited me to go get food with him. We got all the way out to the garage and he decided he was tired and didn't want to go get food anymore. Come to find out later he got nervous and didn't want to mess things up by not having anything more to talk to me about. I preceded to head home and went through Jack in the Box drive thru. As i come out there goes Stephen speeding by. I called him and told him to slow down, of coarse he tried to act stupid and not know why i was telling him to slow down. Needless to say we spent the night talking about anything and everything. :D
We went into work on Tuesday and Elaine knew something was up because i could not stop smiling for anything! He made me so unbelievably happy! We spent all day looking at each other and texting and just being happy! At some point i complained that my neck hurt and he offerred to massage it for me. I told him "that means you have to touch me and see me outside of work again" lol so he invited me to go over and watch a movie.
Tuesday October 13 2009 :D I had church that night so i went over after church. He decided to watch Biggest Loser, which became our show to watch together. I was tired so i laid on the couch with my head close to his lap. He took his time slowly getting closer and closer before he actually held my hand and pulled me into his lap. After Biggest Loser was over i was still sitting on his lap and Jamie walked in; he freaked out! He was big on keeping us hanging out and where we were going a big secret, so he asked if we could go into his room so that no one could see us and tell people. lol
I went with him and we stayed up all night talking and laughing and crying. By the end of the night he asked me "to be his girl" and gave me our first kiss! Luckily he was off that Wednesday so he could sleep in, I on the other hand went into work and stayed awake only because i kept thinking about him and his kiss! :D

September 2009

Stephen and I had worked together at Quaid Harley Davidson since April 24, 2007 and we had grown into being friends. He would constantly come sit at my desk (receptionist desk), against his uncles rules, and just talk to me. He would listen to anything and everything I was going through. This is where I heard stories about Steph and her puppies, about knocking out his front teeth, about his brothers and many other things.
Stephen had gotten really bad about remembering what time he worked at (its either 830 or 10... not too complicated) so he would call the shop almost every morning so that I could tell him when to come in. So I got into the habit of looking at his schedule every night so that I could tell him before I left. This went on for the entire time I worked for the Quad's.
Well on September 7, 2009 I had been house sitting for a friend in Riverside and for some reason while driving home I kept thinking of Stephen... so I simply sent a text to say hi. He replied and we ended up talking all night about nothing. The next day at work he asked me why I randomly said hi and I had no reason. I later found out he was surprised and suspicious but was glad I texted.
We went on like this for the next month (well there's not a day we didn't text each other but this was before we became official lol). On the night of September 28 (a Monday) we had been talking and Stephen texted me with "Something I have never told you is: i kinda like you." I was ecstatic for about 3 minutes! I replied with "Well I kinda like you too" and he crushed it all with "I think we shouldn't talk anymore since we work together." I was so embarrassed, i finally opened up and told him my feelings and our feelings were mutual but were not going to be allowed to go anywhere! I called in sick that Tuesday (sorry Elaine) because I did not want to face him! That Tuesday Stephen "forgot" his phone at home so I did not hear from him at all; I spent the day thinking about whether or not I should pursue this guy or not! Nothing a spa day didn't fix! :D I got home that night and had a few missed text from Stephen (once he got home he texted) and I knew he was worth my time, I knew I could love him!

Taking each moment as it comes

None of this was ever expected. Nobody saw it coming. Nobody is to blaim. I am trying to take each day as it comes. Today was not a bad day, but not a good day either. I have no energy to do anything at all. I went running yesterday and i have not been able to cry since; i want to but i just cant.
So the point of this... I started to write my thoughts and memories down on paper but then i was told that i should share them... So that is what i am going to try to do. I dont know how long it will take and how much i can handle.
Thank you all for all the support and prayers.